The Psychology of Anger: Exploring Fight, Flight, Freeze, & Fawn Trauma Responses

Anger is a boundary. Can we learn to express our anger in more productive and effective ways? Ways that are helpful rather than harmful?

I've thought a lot about anger and I'm curious as to why people have different displays of anger. I once heard that there is suppression (holding feelings in or avoiding conflict), expression (speaking your needs or lashing out at others) , and distraction (numbing or ignoring)

I've wondered why some people are more reactive than others and I've come to the conclusion that we have been conditioned since birth to respond to stressors and triggers in different ways based on our family of origin and social environment, nature and nurture.

I believe that our, now default, trauma/stress responses contribute to how we respond to all stressors in life, from finances, to relationships, and I believe that these highly refined skill sets that we possess even contribute to what we do for a living. For example, you wouldn't want to go to a therapist who is highly emotionally reactive and outwardly displays their anger, picture this: you tell them a story about your granny who got a speeding ticket and the therapist says "YOUR GRANDMA WAS SPEEDING!? OMG. I'M GOING TO GIVE HER A CALL RIGHT NOW AND TELL HER OFF." No, you want a therapist who has a level of avoidance so that they don't take on your emotions, and understands healthy self-expression so that they can separate your life problems from their own.

On a similar note, you would probably be more inclined to hire a wedding planner who expresses their anger in a more assertive way, one who makes sure that: the souffle is perfect (and if not, orders the kitchen staff to make it again), the DJ plays good music, and that the photographer captures all of the shots that you had requested.

You want a coach or a fitness trainer who is good at planning, doesn't mind staying an extra 5 minutes to help you with your form, and who is available based on your schedule.

When you hire someone who is good at their craft, they are probably good at it because they have spent their whole life training for it. They are an expert.

I elaborated on the idea of these 3 modes of anger (suppression, expression, and distraction), to what I think captures the ways in which people exhibit anger. Keep in mind that anger is a fear response. Anytime that someone is angry about something, they are fearful of HAIRY situations. A fun acronym that I created to evaluate what I believe to be innate human fears that are at the core of any type of angry behaviour.

1. H - Fear of harm or injury (emotional, physical, psychological or other)

2. A - Fear of abandonment (being unloved, unwanted, or left behind)

3. I - Fear of insecurity (not having needs met)

4. R - Fear of rejection (trying and failing)

5. Y - Fear of yearning (not having wants and desires met)

This is what "doing the work" is in therapy. The goal is that people become aware of what "makes them tick". If everyone was aware of their own HAIRY fears, there would be no reason to argue. You would just recognize and witness your own stress and trauma bumping up against stress and trauma that belongs to other people. People would still feel emotionally triggered, but they could take responsibility for how their handle their emotional reactivity.

For instance, my old neighbour who used to yell at me and my dog because my dog was barking; had they recognized that this was actually their own deep fear of insecurity, could they have done some journaling on it and come to a place of acceptance? That other people have pets? That it was a rental unit and sometimes, that comes with the territory? Could they have gently said, "Hey Bria, I love peace and quiet, I'm feeling really insecure and I'm really worried that my needs won't be met because of your dog barking, I have a couple of suggestions to problem solve, are you willing to try these out?" LOL. Can you imagine? What a glorious place the world would be... but alas.

So anyway, as I was saying, I elaborated on the idea of these 3 modes of anger (suppression, expression, and distraction), to what I think captures the ways in which people exhibit anger. Keep in mind that anger is a fear response. I created the "Anger Prepositions".

Which response tends to be your default? Perhaps you toggle between a couple of them. What do you need to do to get to a more emotionally regulated place of self expression?