How Attachment Wounding Impacts Family Dynamics and Kid's & Teen's Emotional Well-being

Bria Wannamaker

The Science

The ages of 0-7 are formative years for our social-emotional development. During these stages of infancy and child development, we begin to form our belief systems in terms of what we believe about:

1. Ourselves, who we are, our self-esteem, confidence, our importance, meaning, and purpose in this world

2. Others, how others treat us, how we interact with others, if other people can be trusted, if other people can support us and meet our needs, if other people can respect our boundaries, if it is safe to be vulnerable to share feelings and emotions with others

3. The world; philosophical questions, curiosity and exploration, cultural views, formation of opinions

Learning, growth, development, and neuroplasticity of course doesn't come to a halt at age 7. We start to engage and explore outside of our family of origin around age 7 and develop peer relationships, find confidence and interest in extracurricular activities, and engage in authentic self-expression based on personal interests and passions. So, you could say that 0-7 lays the foundation, the brick work, the basis for relationships via attachment to primary caregivers.

At the core of it all is our innate need to attach to those around us and to belong and connect. Our nervous system becomes dysregulated if we are fearful of losing our connections.

This is how the mind and the body are linked; if we truly believe that we are not safe and cannot trust anyone in this world, then the nervous system responds accordingly with survival-mode fight/flight/freeze/fawn. The same is true in that if we believe that we are loved and supported no matter what, that most people in the world are good natured, and that we have options in life, then our nervous system can relax.

We will almost always self-abandon to avoid being ostracized, isolated, and abandoned by others. Which means, rarely do we engage in authentic self-expression, for fear of not being accepted by others.

Self-abandonment can lead to feelings of resentment and anger. We feel trapped. We feel like we can't exercise our "no".

Attachment wounding can occur when there is a threat to caregiver/infant/child attachment that is not repaired. This can be the result of few, big attacks to the relationship, or many cumulative small injuries to the relationship. We are wired to cope with acute stressors, but not chronic stress. If the nervous system of the child feels chronically dysregulated and consistently unsafe and unable to connect with a caregiver, then an insecure attachment style will emerge.

Phases of the Stress Response

1. Alarm - the gazelle spots the cheetah and has a moment of panic

2. Response - the gazelle runs away from the cheetah

3. Exhaustion - if the gazelle out runs the cheetah and makes it to safety, it feels depleted

4. Recuperation - the gazelle is able to replenish it's energy via rest and nourishment

Humans have the same response to stress; however, very rarely do we ever make it out of the exhaustion phase. This chronic stress leads to burn out and fatigue and a nervous system that is dysregulated, as well as a body that is knocked out of homeostasis.

Signs that your child is struggling with attachment wounding

Attachment wounding can show up as: perfectionism, addiction (not just substances but also to food, technology, exercising, social media, etc.), trauma bonding in relationships, codependency such as being the constant caregiver for others or being overly dependent on others, extreme behaviours, depression, violence, anxiety, ADHD, low-motivation, eating disorders, lashing out, being passive aggressive, suicidal ideation, self-harm, and withdrawing or isolating. Many of these presentations can be a result of the emotion 'anger'; when children feel angry (which is natural at times) they may not know how to express anger in a productive way. Displaying anger can be a threat to the child-parent attachment. And therefore, the anger may show up in different behaviours such as the above.

Anxious Attachment Style

• Excessively seeks out others for reassurance, validation, and approval

• Frequently texting or calling parents for support

• Difficulty with decision making without input from others

• Acts as the caregiver or nurturer in friendships

Avoidant Attachment Style

• Obsesses over projects, activities or goals, social media/tech addiction

• Passive aggressive conflict style

• Seems to be nice, friendly, and charming to everyone except to mom and dad

• Isolated and withdraws at home

Fearful Attachment Style

• Spends an excessive amount of time numbing (such as scrolling on phone) or distracting self (such as spending a lot of time with friends, gaming, TV, etc.)

• Difficulty sleeping and/or managing other activities of daily living such as eating regular meals and snacks, exercising, and hygiene practices

• Extreme behaviours such as aggression or violence toward self and others

• Drama and toxicity with friendships or relationships, frequent arguments, or in trouble at school

Knowledge without action is not really knowing at all

If I know that I need to be somewhere on time but I don't manage my time effectively and end up being late, then, did I really fully grasp the importance of arriving on time?

No.

What was preventing me from leaving and arriving on time?

I could have asked friends about how to be on time, scheduled my day more effectively, cancelled other plans to not overfill my day, read a book on time management, left the house earlier, but I chose not to. As difficult as it can be, sometimes, we have to take responsibility for our actions, or inaction, and address the role that we play in perpetuating problems.

Now that you know a bit more about attachment styles, attachment wounding, and how it might show up in your family life, what are you going to choose to do about it in order to foster more secure and nurturing dynamics, habits, and patterns?

Some suggestions

• Be present, like, really present. Put your phone down and make eye contact with your kid. Even if you have a teen who seems like they don't need you, they do. You are their world and they need to know that they are the most important person in your world

• Learn to lean in during moments of frustration and anger instead of reacting in your own default survival mode. Pause, take a deep breath, and really make an effort to understand where they are coming from. You don't have to problem solve. Just listen and allow them to be seen, heard, and understood

• Do your own mental health work. Everyone will benefit from this

• Observe what role your child plays in the family. Are they the peacekeeper? The empath? Do they have a big role to play in being the responsible one? Are they the scapegoat who everyone blames their problems on?